A friend of mine met a man she was totally smitten with. He showered her with attention and compliments. He took her out for dinner. They made passionate love. He was just amazing.

Soon, he moved in with her, and gradually it all stopped. Dinners out were replaced with ordering in pizza. Romantic evenings were replaced with some quick sex before falling asleep. The sweet nothings he used to whisper to her just walking down the hall were replaced with snide comments and sarcasm.

For a couple of years, she assumed it was her. Maybe she wanted too much.

Maybe it was true that there was a honeymoon period and it was simply over. But the truth was that she was getting unhappier and more lonely by the moment.

So one day she asked him what happened. Why didn’t he pay attention to her? Why didn’t he spend any energy taking her out or making plans together?

He said very simply, “Why run to catch a bus you’ve already caught?”

Starting a New Chapter

Historically, it didn’t matter whether relationships were alive and dynamic. Our ancestors simply got married. Marriage was the economic unit of society. This is where children were made. These couplings simply made up the clans. You couldn’t get a divorce. You were there for life. And what happened within it wasn’t really important. Whether there was love, kindness, or any kind of connection was irrelevant. As long as you worked, contributed to society, went to church, and attended family gatherings, everything was as good as it was going to be.

Unfortunately, this idea still runs through our bones. We think that once we find a significant other who also wants to be with us, the hard part is over. From there, we feel like we can get back to focusing on other things. The relationship will just always be there.

But we know now that this isn’t true. We have the freedom to leave and choose to be with whomever we desire. We want love, connection, and something truly alive to play with.

But we often have no idea how to actually be connected with each other. We don’t know how to foster love and truly enjoy this amazing opportunity we have before us. We simply co-habitat with the privilege of having sex together (until one or both people decide that even that is no longer enjoyable).

So, how do we fix it? How do we start a new chapter in how relationships work? How do we make it so that the honeymoon period never ends and our relationship just becomes more interesting, more dynamic, and more loving as time goes on?

Keeping the Fire Alive Through Polarization

The key to keeping the fire alive is to be perpetually in pursuit of the other. This pursuit can go either way. But the lion’s share of this pursuit must be done by the masculine partner if you are to experience the true energy and excitement of union.

So, who is the masculine partner? Within every dynamic couple, one person will become stronger through taking the masculine (giving, protecting, pursuing) role and the other will expand the most through being in the feminine (receiving, open, pursued). This is regardless of gender or orientation. There are also many relationships that are simply not wired this way. Some people come into relationships for the companionship and ease of having someone close in their life. There is no desire for a fire or excitement at all. They are simply soul friends that love each other’s company. This is also truly lovely.

But that is not what we are talking about here. We are talking about the relationships where we DO desire passion. We do want passionate lovemaking, excitement, and our relationships to continue growing dynamically together.

And so, the first question is, who is the partner who would grow the most by being in the masculine role (in heterosexual relationships, this is nearly always the man… there may be exceptions… but I’ve never seen one). There are many relationships where these roles have been switched — where let’s say the woman has taken over and the man is passive… and some can live like this happily for a long time. But what would happen if the roles shifted and the man truly stepped into the masculine and the woman got to flow in the feminine?

When I used to teach ballroom and Latin dance, this was always an interesting challenge — teaching these men (who have learned to be passive) to lead and teach the women (who have learned to always hold the reigns ) to follow. Off the dancefloor, I have worked with many very strong women who secretly desire to be allowed to relax and truly expand in their feminine… but they’ve never met a partner who could meet them there… or maybe they struggled to give up the control themselves.

The Magic of Union

On the surface, we can imagine the effects of pursuit in a relationship. It keeps the masculine partner engaged. It makes the feminine partner feel loved and honoured. Yes, these are good things for sure… but there is so much more.

The masculine energy of pursuit and the feminine energy of being pursued are complementary, magnetic, opposites. When they both exist in the relationship, a tension will appear between the lovers. The masculine partner is always wondering about the best way to pursue. Does the feminine partner even know how they desire the pursuit? This is not always comfortable. Too many questions. Too many chances for error. And yet, this is where magnetism is created.

This magnetism is what draws us together. This magnetism is what keeps us alive and truly focused on the other. It is in this constant exploration, wonder, and new, required communication that the relationship grows into new places. We discover greater depths within ourselves and therefore new frontiers to discover together.

Flipping Polarities Won’t Fix What’s Wrong

If the fire is dwindling or has gone out, can either partner relight the fire? Unfortunately, the answer is normally no.

If we look at any couple, what do you think happens if the feminine pursues the masculine? In the classic heterosexual model, if the woman pursues, the man tends to head into his cave. He withdraws even further. Her behaviour amps up to draw him out of his shell and the distance increases.

The exact same thing happens in same-sex couples. If the partner who truly thrives in the feminine must pursue the other in order to keep the relationship alive, you know that this is the beginning of the end. Not only will the masculine not allow themselves to be pursued, the feminine partner will develop deep resentment within. This pattern of backwards pursuit may continue for a while. And there might even be a short reconciliation… but eventually, the relationship will die its natural death.

What Does Pursuit Look Like?

Let’s look at two scenarios: dating and committed relationships. If you are dating someone, the pursuit sets the stage for the whole relationship. If the masculine partner has no interest in pursuit at this stage, it will not suddenly appear once you are a couple (this is especially important for the feminine partner to know before getting too deep into the relationship).

Pursuit means messaging first on a dating app. It means making plans to meet somewhere. It means coming up with ideas of things to do together. It means asking questions and not waiting for the feminine partner to carry the conversation. This is true even if you are naturally shy and quiet. This is simply the masculine energy of connection. It’s about taking the initiative and truly loving it.

In a committed relationship, it is making plans for date nights. It’s having ideas for where to go on holidays. It’s sending fun or sexy texts during the day to let your partner know you were thinking about them. It’s taking the kids to the park so your partner can have a relaxing tub.

The key is that the masculine always reads their feminine partner. It isn’t about planning everything without considering their partner’s wishes. It’s about “him” reading “her”. It’s about noticing what is desired. It’s this attention that draws you closer with every moment.

Is This Really Necessary?

No, not at all. Maybe neither of you wants this kind of passion. Maybe this isn’t why you got together.

But most often, especially if you are reading this, this has been an issue in our relationships. Maybe one person wants to rest and the other wants passion (this could be either way — that the masculine wants to pursue and the feminine can’t receive it or that the feminine wants the passion of being pursued but the masculine partner doesn’t want to).

And so, the question becomes, is this something to explore? If you are the masculine partner and just don’t feel it within to “make chase”, why is that? Is it the fear of rejection? Fear of doing the wrong thing and upsetting the other? Were there many aggressive “masculine” figures in your life who soured the idea of the assertive masculine (aggressive is very different than assertive and fun)? What’s really going on here?

Or if you are the feminine partner and don’t want to be pursued, what’s going on there? Have you been through trauma that makes this kind of attention uncomfortable? Have you had many people in your life who only gave with strings attached? Do you wonder if your partner also is only doing this so that you have to do something for them? Do you struggle to receive? What’s going on on a deeper level?

This is where we get to grow. This is what it means that each person will grow and expand when they embrace their ideal polarity. This is where we must face whatever demons may be lurking inside of us that are standing in the way of us taking the next step in our lives. This is where we may truly learn surrender, or how to listen within for guidance, or how to emotionally connect with someone we love.

So, is this pursuit needed in a relationship? No. But when we dive into it, we have so much potential for personal growth and happiness and we have the chance to feel a truly wonderful loving connection with our lover that just gets deeper and more interesting every single day.

If you would like to dive deeper into this topic, I have an interactive, online course called “Living in Masculine & Feminine Union” that brings this and all the masculine and feminine dynamics into all aspects of our lives.