Intimacy is the total opening of our hearts to each other. This requires a safe place to be open. Kindness opens us and brings us closer. One single act without kindness changes everything.

When couples study tantra with me, their first assignment is to be 100% kind to each other for one week. There are a few couples here and there for whom this is easy. But for most, one or both people feel that this kind of self-control is impossible and quite unnecessary.

Initially, I realized that I had to define kindness… because we were not on the same page here.

Kindness is not being a doormat and keeping the peace. Kindness is not always being happy and having no emotions. Kindness is not pretending to have the energy to do something when we are exhausted. Kindness is not doing things that we don’t want to.

Kindness has nothing to do with how we are feeling. It is about how we treat the other person.

If we are angry, we can be angry. This is our own emotion. This is how we are feeling. There is no reason to hurt another person because we are angry. And yet, we have been taught that if I hurt you with words, or physical violence, this is somehow okay because I was angry.

If we are sad, we can be sad. This has nothing to do with the other person. There is no reason to treat them passive aggressively trying to make them respond in a certain way. This is using our state of being to control another person. Why would we do that? Why is that okay?

If we are tired, then we are tired. This is not license to be short and snippy with our lover. This does not give us permission to be rude and distant.

Why do we think that all of this is okay? Because true intimacy has never been the goal. As long as we kept the relationship together and had sex once in a while, this was good enough. The quality of the connection was never the point and therefore, we have no idea how to create this connection and truly deepen it so that we can have the magical experiences that are truly possible.

The Kindness Test

If you wonder if what you are doing is kind or whether your partner is being kind, try this simple test.

Imagine the two of you standing in front of each other. Sense the connection you have. Imagine your partner saying something to you. Does this make you want to step closer to them? Or do you want to step backwards?

Now try this in real life. When something is being said, do you tend to lean back and put a bit of distance between you? Do you feel like disappearing? Do you contract inside of you?

Or do you open more? Do you lean closer? Do you want to touch them? Do you feel “energetically” closer? Is the magnetism increased?

This will tell you whether this person is being kind or not. Even something like sarcasm has been normalized to just be a joke. Yet, to the person whom the “joke” is about, there is a natural contraction — a natural stepping away.

Paper cut damage

Because we are dealing with energy and heart connection, there are only two states: connected and separate. We are either all in or actually out. Yes, you can be in love but a little hurt and still be in the relationship. You can still have sex. You can still watch Netflix together.

But we are talking about building tantric intimacy that allows us to feel the passion of deep and loving connection.

This is why 100% kindness is so important. Every little slip up creates a kind of paper cut which puts up a small energetic wall to the other person. This is a proper adaptation to being with this person. We are learning that they are not trustworthy with our heart. They are careless. They are lazy. And so protection is needed.

This is why this is the first assignment for my tantric couples. Without 100% kindness, we cannot go further. This is the very least because it is our foundation for everything else.

And honestly, why wouldn’t we want to be totally kind and loving to the one we love? Isn’t this why we are in a relationship?